My Biggest Fear

I had a horrible dream the other night. I dreamt I went to pick up my daughter from a party, which was at her friend’s house. I walked into the house and it was quite obvious that she was on something. “What have you taken?” I shouted at her. She cried and mumbled and was totally incoherent.

I asked her what had she been doing and she pointed to someone behind me. I turned to see a six-foot, drink fuelled teenage boy with a look on his face that said “what are you gonna do about it?”

He became aggressive, shouting at me to get out, that she didn’t want me there. I shoved him out of the way, grabbed my daughter and we left.

She is 13 years old. She is growing up too fast. She is my little girl in a woman’s body. I want to protect her from all the vile things that this world contains but I can’t. I don’t want her to see adult things but I can’t stop it. I want her to have a certain amount of freedom but I’m scared that she will want more. All these worries are inevitable though. She is growing up. I can’t stop that.

I see her now, applying makeup and straightening the life out of her hair in a bid to look older. I tell her she doesn’t need to, but I just get an exasperated “Mum!”

hair straightening

I can also look at her and see her dressed up in fairy wings, a tooth missing on her front row, arranging her teddies on the carpet ready for a picnic. It is this little girl that I see when she is trying on clothes that are too old for her. It is this little girl I want to protect.

73058-Royalty-Free-RF-Clipart-Illustration-Of-A-Little-Girl-In-A-Blue-Fairy-Costume-Smiling-And-Trick-Or-Treating

It is almost a certainty that she will end up in situations where drink and drugs are, where teenage boys will try to get their way with her and I just pray that she is sensible. All I can do is steer her in the right direction and hope she makes the right decisions. This is my hope. It is also my biggest fear.

5 thoughts on “My Biggest Fear”

  1. Dear Cath,

    As a young adult myself, and knowing how much my mum worry as well – your daughter will fight through these tough and challenging teenage years. I am sure she has morals set in place, which is all she really needs and a mum that doesn’t cage her up. Girls will go through the heartbreak, but that’s what they need to go through. No one can tell them it isn’t right, unless it’s them. Keep steering her in the right direction, and let her know she has your back after every fall and I am sure she can get through it without holding your hand. Just trust her and she’ll never want you to go away. I am sure you wanted exactly that from your mum yeah?

    Looking for Brunettey 🙂

  2. As the Mother of an 18 year old boy… I may not have much experience; however, after working with so many young people… this is all I can say, there’s nothing that you can do. I realize that this is me coming in with something you probably already know; however, it’s true. Yet, continue to do what you’ve been doing because believe it or not.. your daughter does retain what you say… she just may not ‘hear’ it or ‘heed’ it until years later. I know this because I can remember being a dark-haired young lass with slanty eyes, far different than the blonde-hair, blue eyed Norwegians of Minnesota. I did whatever I could to stand out.. if tight clothes were in, mine were tighter… if low cut was in, mine was lower and if loose morals were the fancy of young male suitors, mine were looser and the list goes on. At that age, I felt that I was competing with every blonde-haired beauty… and I chose to be the all-around-girl. Despite all of my faux pas and misguided behaviors, I still kept what my Mother said in the back of my mind. Yet, it did not come out until years later. Your daughter is growing up in a digital age, one where everything is immediate, including negative comments on a Social Network… this is something that I did not have to deal with as I am sure you did not either. Kids today have more ways in which to see models, what society ‘thinks’ is gorgeous and the gamut of smut… it’s hard to know what they’ve seen, when a Playboy or Playgirl under the bed is no longer the indicator of what they’ve seen. You are doing great.. and you are doing all that you can. When I say there’s nothing that you can do.. I definitely am not trying to sound trite or that you should give up… it’s just sometimes I feel if you hear it from another parent… you can internalize that what they are doing is not a direct reflection on your ability as a parent. With her knowing that you will always be there for her, she’s better off than most as many parents give-up, rather than persevere. I do wish you all the strength in the world and despite this difficult time… your daughter is VERY lucky to have a Mother like you!
    As far as the young man that looked at you.. with the what are you going to do about it look… It’s obvious that this young man has never witnessed the power of a Mother protecting her young. All I could think of when I read this.. was I wonder how cool he would look with one of his lanky teen-age arms ripped from his torso for questioning the power of a Mother.
    Wishing you well!
    Country Claire

  3. Thank you for your kind words, Claire. You’re right, I didnt have the added pressure of the social networks but like you if my skirt could get any shorter it would have done! I didnt heed my mum’s words either so I do understand what she is going through. Though,i do appreciate what my mum must have gone through, as I have three sisters! I laughed out loud at your last sentence. I sometimes feel like a lioness protecting my young, so the imagery was quite apt! x

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